They Fixed My Brain, Yay! (P.S. WTF?)

I went back to see Dr. Nice, the attention deficit disorder specialist, for a follow-up, very curious to see if she thought the Ritalin was doing anything for me. I wanted to make sure I had enough in my system to register any possible change, so I took 20 mg (about double what I'm prescribed by Dr. Conservative, but still a safe amount). Well. Dr. Nice highly approved of the double dose, said it was the correct amount for my weight. Then she gave me that computer test again, the one where you hit a space bar every time the letter that flashes in the middle of the screen is not X. This time I did much better, rather than hitting the space bar like a maniac like I did pre-Ritalin. After that 5-minute test, I took a thirty-second test where Dr. Nice would point to various plastic cubes on her desk in turn and I would have to repeat her actions in the proper order. Apparently I did much better on this test as well.

"The Ritalin has really improved your brain functioning," she said, and added that I should continue to take the higher dose to see the best results. I suppose this is great news, and I'm glad to hear that there's hope for me, but my question is, Holy shit, what has been wrong with my brain functioning all this time?! When I told her at the beginning of the meeting that I wasn't sure if the Ritalin was working, she said that people with ADD are unreliable self-reporters on the efficacy of their medicine, because "Since something has been wrong all their lives, they don't realize what it feels like to be better."

So I am "better," now that I can hit a space bar or point to some plastic boxes with more accuracy? Dr. Nice said that these tests are useful because you can't think your way out of them--they are boring and abstract and designed to allow your attention to drift.

A friend of mine recently said she was on the fence about taking antidepressants--she was afraid of changing her personality. I remember feeling that way when I was first prescribed ADs ages ago, but then after starting to take them, deciding that it was OK, that they don't really change who I am. Except now I'm a little freaked out about the Ritalin for exactly the same reasons.

One thing that jarred me was that Dr. Nice suggested I take a long-acting, all-day dose of Ritalin, so I don't have to keep taking pills as they wear off every four hours. I said, "It's OK--I only need it for short periods of time, while I'm working on my dissertation." She responded, "But don't you need to pay attention all the time--when driving, working? Wouldn't you like your attention to be functioning at a normal level?"

I feel a bit like someone has informed me that there's a color that everyone else in the world can see and I can't.